There are times when you don't even realize that something is wrong. Then you notice that everything has turned out exactly the way someone else planned it.
That's what happend today.
I've spent nearly my whole year oblivious to what was happening. Completely blind to the fact that I've inflicted most of the pain I've felt upon myself. Just by caring too much about what is going on. By actually trying to fit someone else's depiction of myself. Whether it be my family's, this school's, my friend's: I've been trying to live up to something that isn't me.
Yeah. The a-typical "me". Something everyone seems to be seeking. I guess there really is no way of finding this "me". Sure, she'll show up one day. Until then...I'm on my own. In a sense.
There is only so much any of us can do. We can live out our lives attempting to meet someone else's expectations, or we can live how we wish. Simple, in a way. Not so easily attained.
Today, I went back to my violin professor. I hadn't taken a lesson in about a month.(February was a nasty few weeks.) Roughly. When I stepped into the lesson hall I didn't even have Anathema. He was "sleeping" against my desk at home.
Braving what I thought might have been the onslaught of a small-scale interrogation, I entered the room. Scaring Prof. GOD as I did so.
Prof. GOD: Hey.
Me: Sorry, I haven't been around lately. Things seem to have fallen apart. I don't even have Anathema with me.
Prof. GOD: Sit.
So, I took the proffered seat and settled into a conversation about what had been going on lately. How damned "stressful" things had been. Gestapo and Bi-Polar wanting me to be the perfect student because I have a small thing they like to call "potential". The daunting affects of The Elders. Their belief that because I'm in a harder school with a different environment that I should be doing just fine. That I shouldn't be struggling just to keep my GPA above a 3.0(unweighted).
He sat there and listened while I spilled out my story. My excuses for not furthering myself with music. Then he said something that I've heard a thousand times before from LustBunny. To hear a variation of a phrase I know so well, relieved the burden of "caring".
Prof. GOD: Don't worry so much. You're young. All you need to do is have fun. Let them worry about your future. It's your's, not their's, you'll do with it as you want. They may think that they know what is "best" for you, but you are the only one who can know if it is or not.
As he said that, I came close to crying. It was as if sunlight had broken through the clouds and lit the way once more. Uh-huh. Right. Not really. It was more as if he'd triggered all of the memories of the way things used to be.
I'm not sure what to call it. There are very few memories (Two, to be exact.) where I can ever remember being truly happy. But it seemed they came rushing back. Along with the trivial "happiness" that we run across every now and again.
We went on talking. Just about random things. How different the world is when you have to limit yourself to the beliefs of others. There are only certain areas where you can be accepted. Regardless of what you worship, where you went to school, what you do for a living, how much you make in a year.
This isn't one of those places. Florida is too deeply entrenched in it's Southern Bapist beliefs. It's grown quite fond of it's sun and fun persona. Denying all other emotions exist.
It doesn't matter if I fail this school. It doesn't matter if I don't live up to what this family wants of me. Nothing matters, except that which makes me happy. What I can be proud of and say gave me great joy.
Yeah, I know..."You promised you wouldn't write any more angsty entries." Well. Know what. Bite me. To me, this isn't angst.