She keeps trying but her heart won't turn to stone.
It seems that the more I don't want to be driven by emotion, the more I seem to give into it. There were times when I could find the hollow space in my heart and seal myself away. Listening to the white noise, just avoiding the fact that everything was falling apart.
A bomb could have exploded and I would have just brushed off my notebook and continued to write.
But now I find myself bowing to the will of my emotion. Following the steps with a halting grace. Happiness. Contentment. They blot out what was once the haven for my thoughts.
This evening: Overlord picked me up from LustBunny's place. When I attempted to explain myself he cut me off with a harsh "You've shit in your nest." Biting my tongue until it was numb, I found that quiet place. The blank hole in my chest. Yet, it's hold wasn't as strong as it had been. I could still feel his anger. His bemusement. Even under the facade of disappointment and rage, he was happy about what had happend. It set me on a thin edge.
Mumbling in my head themantra we've all prescribed ourselves to, I kept my eyes on the dimly lit road. Not daring once to look into his eyes.
After earning back the Elder's willingness to talk to me, I told them about what had happend this afternoon. In full detail. Not a thing omitted. Despite the whole "he and I were alone for almost an hour", there wasn't anything that needed to be left out.
Had I been the sociopath I was just scant months ago: I would not have bothered to amend their askewed trust. It would have made things hader for me in the long run. But I wouldn't have cared. I had nothing to look forward to then.
With the loss of my hollow heart, something else has taken it's place. Filling me again. Letting me take refuge in the moments of warmth and comfort. Rather than those of hatred and bleak reality.